


love is just another leap of faith (but i jump right in)

by dr33g



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Autistic Jonathan Sims, Canon Compliant, Character Study, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sentences That Don't Make Sense In Order To Evoke A Specific Emotion, Set in Episodes 159-160 | Scottish Safehouse Period, Trans Male Character, Trans Martin Blackwood, about to create a tag for myself watch this, and you wont be able to stop me, he infodumped about emulsifiers okay, im a moron im just talking about emotions in a poetic sense, martin is chubby in canon and i will give him my body type, maybe? - Freeform, me? projecting on martin? yeah, thats just how i write at this point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23680366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr33g/pseuds/dr33g
Summary: Contrary to popular belief (he’s looking at you, Tim), Martin doesn’t blush very often. He only blushes when he has areasonto, and that reason is almost always having a crush.Jon doesn’t know when he fell in love with Martin, notreally. Honestly, if someone asked him, he’d probably panic a little.He does know when he noticed because it’s always easier to notice the absence of something once it’s gone.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 28
Kudos: 222





	love is just another leap of faith (but i jump right in)

**Author's Note:**

> hi i caught up with tma on Saturday and immediately went feral about jonmartin and started crying so <3 i hope you enjoy !!!  
> title of the fic from fever dream by mxmtoon   
> also, the google doc title for this is "aOOOoOOOOoOOOOOoo aOOOoOOOOooOOOo", also from fever dream by mxmtoon

Knowing when you fall in love with someone is something of an easy thing, for Martin, because he doesn’t blush easily, not unless he has a  _ reason _ to. He can be complimented and flirted with and he’ll get  _ embarrassed _ , sure, but the first time he ever felt his cheeks stiffen and feel almost  _ painful _ was when he fell for a boy in year 9 after the guy was  _ nice _ to him, of all things. 

(Before that, Martin had always just chosen a guy and decided that was his crush. Because he was a girl and girls were supposed to like guys. Turns out, no one is  _ supposed _ to like anyone, and Martin is definitely  _ not _ a girl.)

Martin wishes he had higher standards, he does, but when you’re something of an isolationist with only your mother as a friend (and that’s a stretch), people being nice to you can seem like a grand gesture. It’s stupid, and the feelings fade within a month. Still, it’s a helpful marker to differentiate between the bottomless craving of intimacy that aches in his chest when he feels lonely and  _ actually _ liking someone. 

He realizes just how absolutely stupid and moronic he is when he feels his face stiffen and ache while hearing his  _ boss _ talk about _ emulsifiers _ at his  _ birthday party. _ Like, really, Martin? You’re  _ that _ pathetic? He can feel butterflies and shame build in his chest in equal measure, but the more Jon seems to get lost in his words, Martin begins to forget why he’d be ashamed in the first place. 

Then Tim gives him this fucking  _ look _ and the butterflies and shame mix together in this stomach-churning mess, and he just shoves more ice cream in his mouth.

Sure, Jon isn’t  _ nice _ to him, but he has a right to be upset. Martin is  _ lying _ . He isn’t qualified for this job, and if Jon doesn’t tell him off, how will he  _ ever _ be?

He can tell Jon cares, though. He cares about his job and his coworkers and he’s trying  _ so fucking hard _ to do it right, even after Gertrude left the place a mess. As if to prove that Elias’ weird impulse decision to make Jon the Archivist instead of Sasha was a good one. 

Martin admires that about him. He thinks he could stand to be that determined, too.

(He is, especially when it comes to berating Jon for risking his life. After all, what would Martin do without him?)

\--

Jon doesn’t know when he fell in love with Martin, not  _ really. _ Honestly, if someone asked him, he’d probably panic a little.

He does know when he noticed because it’s always easier to notice the absence of something once it’s gone.

It was when Martin started avoiding him, right when he woke up from his coma. 

He wasn’t sure what he was feeling, not at first, but knowing Martin wasn’t around and wasn’t going to be worrying and making him tea and chastising him and--  _ And _ \--

Suddenly, he was so  _ scared _ . Martin, who he used to consider pretty bad at his job, who cared so deeply and irrevocably, who tried  _ so fucking hard _ to be important, who loved him--

What did Jon do? Which of his far-too-cruel comments had finally made Martin hate him as he definitely should have from the beginning? Was it because Jon wasn’t human anymore?

That last question brought memories of Martin talking of cows and spiders and Jon snorted, pink fog swirling in his chest, warm and comforting. No, Martin loved far too much and far too completely for Jon’s  _ humanity _ to matter all that much in the scheme of things.

So what had Jon done wrong? A lot of fucking things, he knew. But which specific thing had been so wrong that Martin didn’t want to be around him anymore?

Could he fix it? Or was Jon going to be left with his feelings all alone in an Archive that was more him than not him, at this point?

He realized only loving Martin could cause this exact brand of heartbreak. The feeling that you’ve been stabbed with a sword made of ice and it crawls up your stomach into your heart and hurts and hurts and  _ hurts-- _ He’s only felt that once when Georgie and he started drifting in the way that only college students becoming real human people do. It was the natural flow of things, but… It still  _ hurt _ . It hurt both of them. 

This is  _ so much fucking  _ **_worse_ ** . 

(Jon finds himself blaming Peter instead. After all, it certainly isn’t Jon’s fault for almost-not-quite-dying, right?

…

…

…

_ Right? _ )

\--

_ “It’s odd, really. You each think you’re so focused on the other, but how much do you really know each other? How much time have you spent together when not working, or bickering, or fleeing from that latest thing that wants to kill you? _

_ “So. What are you seeking? The image you’ve each created of the other? The people you think you love don’t exist. Not really. And that’s a very lonely place to be.” _

\--

Jon rotates his hand back and forth, though rotating isn’t really the word for it. It’s much too quick and erratic, but not quite twitching. 

(Had Jon ever been diagnosed as a child, he’d know that what he was doing is called  _ stimming _ , but no one ever thought to tell him.)

Martin-- He had said  _ loved. _ As in  _ past fucking tense. _

Peter-- He might have had a point. Maybe. Maybe Jon just likes the idea of someone that takes care of him and loves him no matter how much of a fucking prick he is. Maybe Jon doesn’t know Martin at all. Maybe Jon is simply in love with a concept, jealous that someone else would dare take away the person that gave him the most attention away. Maybe that doesn’t even matter, because Martin fell out of love with him a long time ago. Maybe it’s fucking Maybelline.

Point is, there’s a lot of maybes.

Jon doesn’t like not knowing things, but he also doesn’t like Knowing things, so he’s stuck in this terrible void with twitchy hands and the handsome and maybe-love-of-his-life in the next room over and they’re all alone in a safe house in Scotland and he doesn’t know what to  _ do. _

“J-Jon? Are you alright?” And that sure is said maybe-love-of-his-life’s face right in front of his eyes! He makes a surprised sort of half-yell.

“AaAAAAaa!” Like that. 

“Oh, God, I didn’t mean to frighten you--” Jon shakes his head quickly.

“No! No. You didn’t-- I was just-- I was  _ thinking.”  _ Martin’s concern doesn’t seem to lessen.

“...” The pause lets Jon know he wants to ask, but he’s afraid doing so would be too pushy. At least, that’s what Jon thinks, but he isn’t the best at reading other people’s emotions on the best of days, and this day is certainly a “worst of” day.

Jon sighs, hands twitching even faster, and he asks, “Did-- Do--” He groans. Why are words so hard? “I… I wanted to get to know you better. I don’t think… Well, I know I certainly haven’t been the best  _ to _ you, and I… I doubt that means you’ve shown me the best  _ of _ you.” 

_ ‘What I’ve seen already is absolutely lovely, so I have no idea what your best could even look like. Am I even good enough to deserve it? _ ’ he doesn’t say.

Martin’s concern goes to something Jon thinks might be confusion, and Martin says, “What?” which confirms that theory. Great job, Jon!

“I mean--” 

“No, I heard you, I’m just… Why?” Jon looks away, teeth clenched and hands continuing to move erratically so he can focus on something that isn’t a massive feeling of dread. “Jon.” 

“I… Peter said something before I went to get you out of the Lonely.” As he talks, tension drains from him, little by little. Once you’ve started talking, it isn’t so hard to keep going. “That we didn’t really know each other outside of work. And it stuck with me, I guess. You know me much more than I know you, unfortunately.” When Jon looks back, Martin’s face is pinched into a scowl, though he isn’t looking at Jon. 

“Well, Peter doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Sure, he knows what he saw. But that doesn’t mean he knows anything! I know you like your tea sickeningly sweet, you hate the feeling of wool, you eat rum and raisin ice cream and pretend to be way older than you are, you care about people, even if your way of showing it is intense paranoia. And sure, maybe you don’t know the little things about me, yet! But that’s  _ yet. _ All because you don’t know my favorite color or something doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to-- Erm--” Martin’s face colors beautifully, and Jon smiles, encouraging him to continue. “W-Well, I… I don’t want to assume anything.”

“Martin, I went into the Lonely and pulled you out after murdering a man. You can assume.” Martin smiles, nervous.

“Right. Then, um, you still have a right to l-loving me, I g-g-guess…?” Martin’s face gets redder and redder and Jon just feels  _ warm _ and  _ safe,  _ at least until his All-Knowing Terrible Mind reminds him of something.

“Even though you don’t love me…” he mutters, a tad too bitterly.

“Excuse me?” Martin almost looks offended. That doesn’t make sense.

“You said loved. I-In the Lonely. That’s past tense.”

“Jon, I think I was dying. Dying me has no say over current me’s emotions and feelings towards most things, especially you, Jon.”

“Wait, then-- You-- Still? Really?” Martin looks away.

“Y-Yeah. Always, Jon.” ‘ _ I really, really don’t deserve you. _ ’

“Can I kiss you?” comes out of his mouth before he can process it properly. He stiffens, looking away. “I mean--”

“Please,” Martin whispers, though he doesn’t look like he meant to say it, either. 

Well, he gave consent, right?

Jon climbs out of his chair and laughs a little as he realizes Martin is much too tall for this to be completely natural. 

“Lean down, please,” Jon takes a hand, cradling Martin’s round face, and brings them together in a perfectly average moment that changes everything.

\--

Martin is kissing Jon. Martin. Is kissing. Jon.

‘ _ What the fuck? What the absolute shit? What? What??!?!?!?!!! _

_ ‘CALM DOWN, MARTIN, YOU HAVE TO KISS HIM BACK.’  _ Okay, that’s accomplished, though Martin isn’t sure if he’s doing it  _ well. _ He’s just. Hoping. Jon doesn’t care if Martin acts a little bit stupid in this exact moment. He’s been in love with him for years, it’s totally normal for him to be freaking out! One million percent!

It’s gentle, gentler than Martin had expected (though, really, he hadn’t expected anything, so what does that even  _ mean _ ). Martin’s eyes are closed, and he’s not entirely sure when that happened. Huh.

Jon’s face is ever so slightly prickly, which makes sense. The poor guy has been nearly losing his mind these past few-- Months? Years? He doesn’t think Jon had cut his hair until a few days ago, at least since becoming Head Archivist, and even that was due to a mental breakdown (Jon told him about it in the car). The stubble is nice, though, something grounding so that Martin can actually kiss him. He places his hand ever so tentatively on the back of Jon’s head, just-- Holding him there. Jon pulls away, resting his head on Martin’s.

“Can you let go of me, the arches of my feet are going to hurt.” Martin backs away a little too quickly to be natural, stuttering out an apology.

“Right! Right. Sorry about that.”

“You don’t need to apologize for being way too tall.”

“Not my fault you’re small.”

“I am not short!”  
“Agree to disagree, then.” Jon laughs and shoves Martin playfully. Jon looks away, face still warm and smiling and gentle. Martin feels his face become even hotter, if that was even possible, staring at every single scar, mark, and hair on Jon’s face. 

He loves him. 

“What’s your favorite color?” Jon mutters, looking back at Martin. Martin looks into Jon’s eyes, into the pink marks that scatter across his dark skin. He thinks of aging books and leather bags and boring sweater vests and manilla folders and shelves and shelves and shelves. And he responds without even having to think of the answer.

“Brown.” 

\--

“You know,” the Archivist says after the world has ended and begun again, years and years into the future. “I think Peter was right.”

“About what?” his husband says, holding their cat in his arms.

“I didn’t know you, back then. Not really.” Martin looks at him with a smile on his face, one Jon knows he has to kiss.

When he pulls away, Martin asks, “Yeah?”

“Yeah. But he was wrong about something else.”

“And what would that be?” Jonathan Blackwood looks at his husband, at their cat, at the sun and the sky and the grass and the trees and the entire world he saved, and smiles.

“I love the real you even more than I thought I ever would.”

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed reading!!!! i'm on twitter @cormartur and i just. i love jonmartin and mike crew (unidentified flying manlet) and avatar ocs (i have one of the end and the slaughter and i MIGHT write their statements, if that's something you would like to see <3) so please don't feel afraid to talk  
> kudos/comments really really really appreciated !!!!


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